Uncool Ways to Order Your Ice

"LIGHT ICE"

Here's a little tip for all you nickel nursing houch-hounds out there: ordering your drink with "light ice" does not mean you're going to get MORE alcohol in your drink! Every bar does it differently, but most bars stick to a standard one-ounce pour. That means that no matter what you order- whether it’s Rum and Coke or a Jack on the rocks- you are paying for ONE ounce of alcohol. Not to mention, light ice is going to water your drink down a lot faster than a regular amount of ice. If you enjoy your drink diluted- then cheers to you! 


    The bottom line: asking a bartender for light ice is customer for "I'm a dick who is not going to tip you!" If you want more alcohol then dig a little deeper and pay for a double. OR tip me well...and maybe I'll add an extra splash in there for ya! ;) Just don't expect less ice to be your ticket to a bargain beverage! 

“ONE ICE CUBE,” “ONLY TWO ICE CUBES,” “THREE ICE CUBES,” or “I WANT ONLY A FEW ICE CUBES.”

    The Rainmen of the bar world are constantly counting the number of ice cubes that go into their drink.

[Now allow me to clarify that I have NO problem with someone who knows what they want and will ask me for exactly that. If you are drinking a 60 year old Macallan and want to enjoy it at a certain temperature, then by all means lay down the law! After all, I am working for YOU and I’m happy to oblige. Plus, if you’re drinking a 60 year old Macallan then you probably know a hell of a lot more about Whisky than I do…annnnnd you’re super rich so I’m not going to fuck with you].  

    Now what I DO have a problem with are individuals that send their drinks back either because the ice has melted and changed the equation of what they originally ordered, or when they ordered the drink they spat some estimate figure out and (because no bartender is a psychic) received a drink with the incorrect number of ice cubes. 

    This never seems to be a huge fiasco to someone actually sitting at the bar. The meltdown usually occurs with customers who are sitting at tables. Obviously, when you sit at the bar you get quicker service than when you sit at a table (why does no one understand that?) I can’t tell you how many drinks get sent back to the bar because they were ordered with a specific number of ice cubes in them but by the time they reached the table that number has changed.

    Most rational human beings understand what’s going on here. Unfortunately for me, there are a few jackholes out there that seem to have fallen asleep for…MOST OF THEIR LIVES… because they seem to lack the basic knowledge that ice does something incredible when placed into a warmer liquid than itself: IT MELTS.

    Think for just a second here, my friends! Once a bartender has receive your drink order and picked up the proper glassware, they have to rummage through the ice and scoop out your desired number of cubes, place those cubes into a room temperature glass, and then pour liquor over the ice. The bartender usually will then have to finish making your friends drinks, give them to the server, and then the server has to bring those drinks to you. By the time the drink arrives some (if not all) of the ice has melted!

    Now wait a minute, Julia, what about if you made THAT drink last and dropped the ice cubes into the drink after you poured it? Okay! Let’s dance around in the hypothetical world for a minute and say I’m a bartender who thinks ahead and understands the basic thermal properties of ice. So, I make all of the other drinks at the table first and leave the scotch with “ONLY TWO ice cubes” for last. After I pour the scotch into the glass and then add exactly two ice cubes, I hand it to the server to take over to the table. The server places the drink in front of the customer and the customer swiftly backhands the server who is just trying to get through community college and support herself after her parents kicked her out of their trailer (HEY: it’s my hypothetical here!) The customer throws the drink in his pock-marked face and demands that she take it back. Why? Because now the customer is pissed that their scotch has one ice cube in it when they specifically ordered two!

ICE MELTS, mother fuckers! 
What did you expect, you dildo?

    Christ on a crutch, people! If you are going to become unglued if the number of ice cubes isn’t exact: do me a favor and order your drink NEAT with ice on the side. That way you can use your own grubby ass fingers to add as much or as little ice as your mother-humping heart desires!